


Hollow

by Ghoulboyboos



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Queerplatonic Relationships, Touch-Starved, Touch-Starved Ryan, can be read as platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-05 07:59:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16806607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghoulboyboos/pseuds/Ghoulboyboos
Summary: Insomnia isn’t exactly new to him, but usually it’s just his body signaling how tired and yet how incapable of falling asleep it is. Tonight, however, Ryan is kept awake by his own brain overthinking things. He’s used to overthinking, he even channels it into his work. Conspiracies, ghosts, cryptids and haunted spots need someone to look at them from all perspectives and think of any possible explanation. But right now, he’s not thinking about work or hobbies. He’s not even thinking about movies, about the upcoming Lakers games or his workout routine.Instead, he’s thinking about how vast his bed actually is, how empty his hands feel curling around nothing but air and how incredibly hollow his chest feels. It’s almost as if someone plunged an ice-cream scoop into his chest, carved out his heart and other important insides and left him with a hole that threatens to cause his torso to cave in, crumble into itself and destroy him.Ryan wraps his arms around himself, clutching to his own bicep with one hand and the shoulder with the other... andsighs.He’s exhaling until there is less space in his chest, less area to feel hollowed out.





	Hollow

It’s 3am on a Friday night in Los Angeles, California and Ryan is thinking.

Under normal circumstances, he would use this time of day – well, night – to sleep or maybe party somewhere and on rare occasions frantically edit something he pushed ahead and away until the looming deadline over his head left him no choice but to pull an all-nighter.

Under normal circumstances, he doesn’t lie awake all night thinking, at least not when he’s in his own home and his own bed, far away from demons, spirits and otherwise haunted locations.

Despite all of this, Ryan is lying awake and _thinking._

Insomnia isn’t exactly new to him, but usually it’s just his body signaling how tired and yet how incapable of falling asleep it is. Tonight, however, Ryan is kept awake by his own brain overthinking things. He’s used to overthinking, he even channels it into his work. Conspiracies, ghosts, cryptids and haunted spots need someone to look at them from all perspectives and think of any possible explanation. But right now, he’s not thinking about work or hobbies. He’s not even thinking about movies, about the upcoming Lakers games or his workout routine.

Instead, he’s thinking about how vast his bed actually is, how empty his hands feel curling around nothing but air and how incredibly hollow his chest feels. It’s almost as if someone plunged an ice-cream scoop into his chest, carved out his heart and other important insides and left him with a hole that threatens to cause his torso to cave in, crumble into itself and destroy him.

Ryan wraps his arms around himself, clutching to his own bicep with one hand and the shoulder with the other... and _sighs._ He’s exhaling until there is less space in his chest, less area to feel hollowed out.

Ryan is lonely. Which should be ridiculous. He’s an outgoing guy, an extrovert geek, he has friends and family who love him and he even has a ridiculous amount of people who watch his heart-and-soul creation Unsolved, pouring out their hearts in words of support and adoration into Youtube comments. People who will burn a whole lot of money to see him and Shane on stage at a convention just to see them talk funny about a bunch of stuff that happens between the episodes and behind the scenes.

Ryan shouldn’t feel lonely and yet he does. His skin prickles with goosebumps, almost as if he’s cold, which is ridiculous because despite his weakness to cold weather, there is no way he’s actually cold. He’s in California for fuck’s sake. It’s too hot to sleep with a blanket.

There is a part of him that just yearns to be touched. His last relationship ended a while ago and he’s just not the type for one night stands, no matter how cold his bed feels at night. Hooking up with a stranger to have a warm body next to him at night sounds tempting, but it feels wrong. Ryan is an old romantic and he’s not ashamed of it. Still, this matter is getting annoying and exhausting. He wants to hold someone’s hand. He wants to hug someone. Feel their body settle against him while they fill each other’s edges and crevices. Ryan wants to run his fingers down someone’s back and feel skin dragging against his. It’s not even sexual frustration, even though he suspected that to be the case for a while. Ryan just needs the touch of another person. That’s not weird, right? Humans were social animals. The touch of someone you are close to causes your brain to dish out hormones that make you happy and comfortable. It’s just biology. Ryan wasn’t weird for wanting to crawl into someone’s embrace at night. But his bed was vast and empty and he’s lying in the middle, no longer on “his” side as he used to when she…

Ryan sighs and buries his face into the pillow. Sometimes he wishes he was a woman. He’s very comfortable in his identity and gender and he doubts that it will ever change drastically. But he can’t help but imagine what a woman in his situation would do. As a girl, you could hug your friends all the time, male or female. Sure, you had to make sure nobody thought you wanted to bang them, but nobody raised an eyebrow at two female friends snuggled together on a couch or loveseat while watching a show. Ryan knows he’s dealing with some bullshit homophobic and probably stereotypical expectations about gender, but he also knows that the guys he hangs with just don’t… do this shit. You give each other high fives and claps on the back when you win a game. When you pose for a photo, an arm around someone’s back or shoulders is fine, but there is a time limit to it, a ticking clock that weighs on his arm, pulling it down the second the picture is taken and they step away from each other. Whatever this pressure of the world is called, it makes Ryan feel like a creep when the urge to let a hug linger bubbles up. So he moves out of touching space more quickly, shortens the time of hugs and claps on the back and all the other tactile stuff. Which doesn’t exactly help with his situation. On the contrary.

Ryan is at the point where any touch, from accidental brushing fingers to full bodied hugs hits all his senses at once and launches his nervous system into overhaul. Everything is too much at once, bodies too close, skin too warm and sometimes Ryan thinks it could suffocate him. He doesn’t understand what he wants anymore. Part of him yearns for touch while the other wishes people would just stop touching him.

_Especially Shane._

Ryan huffs and throws himself around, landing on his stomach and punching his pillow to fluff it into something a little more comfortable. Fucking Shane and his easygoing ways. Dude had limbs that could reach across tables and rooms, of course he was always kind of in Ryan’s space.

If Ryan was honest and level-headed, he knew that Shane wasn’t encroaching on him. The big guy gave Ryan the space he needed, never leaning too much into his personal bubble. But he was also carefully and kindly poking at the bubble. Clapped hands on shoulders, arms wrapped around Ryan’s back, fingers tapping the table next to Ryan’s hand, steps taken to come up next to Ryan when he was freaking out on location…

Shane kept reaching out, no matter how often Ryan snapped and batted him away or fled. It was almost as if Shane could look through the barriers that Ryan put up and see the confused, pained heap on the ground that was Ryan once his layers of fake and real confidence and cheerfulness was stripped away. Ryan just sometimes wants someone to _touch_ him. He needs a hand on his shoulder to ground him in reality, and yet he shoves and shakes it off when Shane offers. Ryan wants to hug his friends when he says hello, and then he ducks out under Shane’s arm to escape a hug, making a quip about his hair or outfit being messed with or rumpled.

He can’t explain it in any other way than that he has unlearned how to be close and affectionate with anyone. Paired with the memories of snickers from his frat brothers whenever he hugged a guy for too long or did anything that wasn’t full-on “bro-ish” and Ryan is a mess in physically intimate situations. He’s not completely helpless, thankfully, or otherwise he would have lost his mind long ago. He hugs his female friends. Jen, Daysha, Kelsey… the people at Buzzfeed are the type of coworkers that are also always part friend, but Ryan still feels unfulfilled. A hug every two weeks doesn’t calm his… weird desire, his strange need for closeness and he feels himself getting mentally and physically sick over it. Sometimes he wishes he could just ignore it, but with every day of next-to-nothing physical touch that passes, Ryan gets more desperate.

Desperate enough to try something. Ryan stares at his bedroom ceiling, takes a deep, deep breath until he feels like his lungs are filled enough to burst and then breathes out again. The pain of the hole in his chest subsides a little, but he assumes it has more to do with his decision. Tomorrow, he’s going to see if Shane still reaches out and if he does, Ryan will do his best to offer some contact back to Shane. Or at least, he’s going to allow Shane more of it. Shane is his best friend. He’s also pretty chill when it comes to physical contact and he would be the last to develop any sort of gay panic over hugging a guy. If there’s anyone Ryan might turn to in his hour of need, his desperation and pain, it’s Shane. Sure, maybe the big guy would tease him or make up a weird and annoying nickname, but in the end, Shane is a good person. He really, really is Ryan’s best friend and no matter how loud Ryan’s self-doubting and self-deprecating brain gets, he could never believe that Shane would laugh at him for this or even be disgusted.

-

His plan is easier made than set into motion. Ryan has established to anyone around him that he gets testy when someone touches him, Shane more than anyone, of course, considering how much time they spend together. So Ryan is treated to Shane joining him at their desks and only waving instead of clapping him on the shoulder. He’s not moving into Ryan’s space with his chair and instead starts to work on some graphics immediately. Ryan knows he should leave him to it. Shane is probably working on the new Ruining History season and Ryan likes to be surprised by the themes, which is why he usually avoids spoiling himself. But today, Ryan wanted to try something and now Shane is clearly not up for it. Crap.

Ryan squares his shoulders and focuses on work. For a while he manages to focus on research and some editing for someone’s video. Before he can worry too much, it’s lunch time and he catches in the corner of his vision how Shane takes off his headphones and stretches.

“Hey man.” Shane says as Ryan takes his headphones off as well. “Do you have time for lunch?”

Ryan keeps himself from letting out a relieved sigh. He nods and saves his project before getting up.

“Sure.” He thinks about what else to say, but when Shane gets up as well, their shoulders bump and Ryan shudders, forcing himself to stay in place instead of flinching away. For a moment, his skin feels like he burned himself but then the strange feeling subsides. He can’t quite help himself, he huffs a deep breath and draws Shane’s attention.

“You okay?”

Closing his eyes and nodding, Ryan swallows around a slowly growing lump in his throat.

“Just stressed. I think I got a cold coming up, too.”

He wants to get away from their desks and out, but Shane touches his arm. It’s just two short taps with his fingers against Ryan’s bicep, but Ryan feels goosebumps rise on his skin anyway.

“You need a break, Ryan. Maybe we can push the release of the new season a week or something?”

Ryan sighs and runs a hand through his hair. He doesn’t want Shane to worry, but at the same time he wishes he could tell the big guy everything.

“Nah. I’m gonna be okay. I just need a chill evening or something.” With that, he gives himself a push and looks at his friend.

“Do you maybe want to come over tonight? We could grab take-out on the way, watch a movie, make some popcorn… you know, the usual?”

He holds his breath. Normally, asking Shane to hang out wasn’t this stressful, but Ryan knows that if he spends another evening alone in his apartment he’s going to crawl up the walls.

To his incredible relief, Shane smiles and nods.

“Sure, man, sounds good.”

“Cool.” Ryan does his best to hide the effect Shane’s answer has on him, but Shane seems to see right through it anyway. The man frowns a little and puts his head to the side as he looks at Ryan and Ryan starts to move, heading away from their desks.

“Come on, big guy!” He calls over his shoulder. “Before we have to stand in line.”

Shane doesn’t ask when he catches up with Ryan and Ryan feels his heartbeat slow down again. He’s almost mellow with a hint of Shane’s body heat next to him and the promise of a comfortable evening in. Almost.

-

Ryan keeps it together pretty well for the rest of the day. He finishes the video and sends it to the producer who is delighted with the results. Afterwards, Ryan is dragged into a video about something to do with viral trends which passes in a blur and then suddenly, it’s time to go home. Shane came into work with an Uber so he doesn’t have to worry about leaving his car at work and Ryan watches as his friend folds all seven feet of his limbs into Ryan’s car. They grab McDonalds on the way home because Ryan has an insane craving for fries and Shane suggests that they could watch The Conjuring and its sequel to see how well it holds up.

Halfway into the first movie, Ryan realizes that he’s sinking into the couch a bit too much. Normally that would be the moment where he shuffles away from Shane and straightens up or even moves his ass to the opposite side of the couch to pull his feet under him. Instead, Ryan forces himself to relax and allows his body to melt into the cushions as he would if he sat alone on it. Against his will, Ryan’s arms cross in front of his body and wrap around him as if to protect himself. If he only let a little more tension drain from his body, he would sink towards his right and drop his shoulder against Shane’s. A perfectly normal thing for friends to do when they sit next to each other and yet Ryan feels terrible to even consider it. Would it be really okay to encroach on Shane like that? Ryan’s right leg is thrown over the other, away from Shane so their knees and thighs don’t brush but Shane sits back against Ryan’s couch, relaxed and comfortable with his legs stretched out in front of him. He doesn’t exactly take up more space than he needs, but he does allow his body to spread a little. Ryan wonders if it would be awkward if their legs touched. Probably, yes, but only because _Ryan_ would make it awkward.

While he’s still worrying, a jumpscare comes on and even though it’s be a pretty predictable one, Ryan flinches, arms flailing up which causes Shane to laugh. Shane laughs at a lot of things, even at his own fears as Ryan recently learned. Shane sometimes gets freaked out on location, although never because of demons or ghosts. Shane worries more about squatters, rats, coyotes and rabies bats. Still, he’s not the type to freeze in fear or scream or tear up. Shane tends to laugh when something is spooky which makes it hard to read him, at least in Ryan’s opinion. Right now, however, he’s pretty sure that Shane is laughing at his flinch and very amused, but there is no malice in it.

“You okay, man?” Shane’s eyes are crinkling and he throws an arm over the back of the sofa, not quite touching Ryan’s back. Ryan takes a deep breath and puts a hand on his chest.

“Yeah just… I got lost in thought and that took me by surprise.”

Shane laughs again and pats Ryan on the back. His hand is firm and warm and for a second, Ryan wants him to leave it there. He flushes because of it, too, which makes things worse.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Shane sounds genuinely worried and Ryan immediately feels like a douche.

“Yeah, don’t worry. I got a lot on my mind, that’s all.”

Shane hums and Ryan can see Shane in his periphery. His friend is eyeing him and ignoring the stuff going on onscreen.

“It’s really not a big deal.” Ryan says because he feels like he has to, but Shane is already reaching for the remote and pausing the movie.

Crap.

Ryan wants to hide. Maybe he could dig himself under the couch cushions and vanish into the hammerspace where coins and the various remotes he has go. Shane is still looking at him and Ryan just can’t meet his eyes, not now. Not yet.

“Listen,” Shane begins, sounding unsure. “If it’s a personal thing or something and you want to deal with it yourself that is fine, but… we’re friends and if something’s wrong you can tell me, you know that, right?”

Ryan sighs. He had worried about this moment because of course Shane would be supportive and offer to help. He’s Shane after all. Still, Ryan doesn’t know exactly how to explain his problem and he’s also worried that Shane will get weirded out and leave.

“It’s complicated.” He murmurs, hoping that will divert from the situation, but Shane merely sits up a little straighter and focuses on Ryan. Ryan glances over and for a moment their eyes meet.

Shane looks open and expectant, but also vaguely worried. It’s such a kind expression that Ryan immediately feels bad for beating around the bush, even though he knows that’s not what Shane is going for.

“Hard to explain, you know.” Ryan sort-of-continues his sentence, but Shane merely nods and keeps waiting. It’s weirdly endearing and Ryan could tear up.

Before he can try and put things into words, Shane speaks.

“Ryan. Listen… if you don’t want to share anything, that’s fine. It’s just that you seem distracted and upset and stuff and I was wondering if I could help somehow.”

_You might,_ Ryan thinks but doesn’t say it. Instead, he takes a deep breath.

“I got some problems I’m trying to deal with, Shane.” He rubs his forehead, feeling the prickle of anxiety boil in his spine and his head. “I just don’t know how to put it.”

Shane reaches out and brushes against Ryan’s elbow. The contact lasts for barely a second but Ryan feels like a spark of lightning is shooting up his arm.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Shane murmurs, clearly closer to Ryan now. “But if there is anything I can do…”

Ryan takes a deep breath and just plunges into the cold water.

“I think I’ve forgotten how to hug people or be close to them. Or touch in general.”

It’s quiet for a moment. Shane is staring at him, blinking a little too much while Ryan rubs his forehead and wonders if he can bolt from his own home over something like this. Shane’s face morphs into worry, just slightly and even though Ryan knew it would be coming, it still feels bad. He doesn’t want to worry Shane and he also doesn’t want to be pitied. But he still lets Shane talk when his friend finally opens his mouth.

“I don’t know if I understand correctly but…” Shane rubs his chin, finally breaking their eye contact. “I always thought you didn’t like touching and all that… had I known-”

“It’s not your fault.” Ryan blurts out, interrupting. “It’s just… I never hugged my friends _that_ much and you know… that is fine when you got a girlfriend to cuddle with but since I’m single again I kind of… stopped touching people and then after a while I realized that I couldn’t even if I tried. It drives me up the wall. It’s like someone could set me on fire. Or give me an electric shock…”

Shane seems to still be thinking, but his arm is still on the back of the couch, his body is still turned towards Ryan and he hasn’t left yet.

“Ryan, man, I had no idea you were going through all of this…”

Ryan interrupts with a dry laugh.

“I’m really open with shit if I can so I guess people don’t expect me to hide anything huge, I guess.”

“Yeah, no kidding.” Shane isn’t laughing, he’s learning closer and his expression turns softer. “Maybe you just need to relearn it? You know, like exposure therapy with anxiety. Small doses to let you get used to contact again and then going from there?”

Ryan shrugs a bit.

“Maybe. I’ve been trying I-” He sighs, frustrated because he already feels like learning away from Shane again. Instead he grabs at his hair. “I wanted to try to just hang out with you and be comfortable but I have this dumb conflict going on all the time where I just want to hang with you because you’re my best friend but I also kind of want to move away and closer at the same time and…” He sighs and looks at Shane. “It’s basically a total shitshow.”

Shane’s mouth twitches at that, not quite into a smile but he seems to be affected by Ryan’s gallows humor.

“Well… If it’s that stressful to you, I don’t want to force you to go on with this.”

Ryan’s heart nearly drops out of his mouth. He scrambles to interrupt, to stop Shane from leaving and pulling away, but Shane calms him down with a raised hand.

“But… if you want to… try touching again or whatever, then I could help you. If that’s okay, of course.”

Ryan blinks.

“You… you would-”

Shane just smiles at him and shrugs.

“Of course I would. You’re my best friend, Ryan. You think I offer you hugs because of social pressure?”

Ryan bites his lip, instantly feeling bad.

“Of course not. But… you know, you’re a tactile guy and I figured you might be dating someone or-”

Shane frowns.

“Ryan… just because you’re dating someone doesn’t mean that you can never hug anyone ever again. There’s quite a lot of people who still cuddle with other people than their partner and in my opinion, well.” He shrugs almost comically but his face stays serious. “They should! Hugging people you like is nice. Hugs are great and so are cuddles.”

Ryan rubs his palms together, feeling sweat break out on his back, prickling sharp against his skin.

“I just don’t want to do anything that messes up our friendship or gets you in a weird position or-”

“You really think that would be that big of an issue if I wasn’t single?”

Ryan pauses.

“What?”

Shane turns more and drags one knee up on the sofa to look at Ryan.

“If I was in a relationship, I would call them and tell them something like: “Hey, my friend Ryan has trouble with hugging people and I was wondering if it was cool if I helped.” And that would be it.” He puts his chin in his hand and looks at Ryan.

“Do you want to? Work on it, I mean.”

Ryan nearly jumps off the couch, suddenly feeling put way too on the spot.

“W-wait, hang on. That would be inappropriate, though, right?”

Shane is frowning, concerned again and reaches out for Ryan’s arm. Ryan _almost_ completely suppresses a flinch, but Shane merely takes his sleeve and tugs until Ryan stiffly sits down again.

“Ryan.” Shane starts very softly. “You’re my best friend. Yeah, we work together, but do you really think I would somehow think this is a bad idea tomorrow and run to HR? I trust you and I figure you trust me to some extent. And even if I were dating someone, touching someone else doesn’t have to be a break of trust either. Because that’s what relationships should be, mutual trust.” He huffs and looks at the ceiling for a moment. “I just said trust a whole lot and now I feel a bit dumb.”

Ryan nearly sniffles. There is a lump in his throat and a heaviness in his chest that usually comes at night when he feels tiny and alone. He sucks in a shaky breath, thinks about what to say, when Shane lifts his hand again. Ryan watches as Shane’s long fingers inch closer, very slowly as if not to startle him and then just the tips of his fingers settle on the back of Ryan’s hand, applying the tiniest bit of pressure. Ryan lets out the breath, still shaking but not feeling so close to tears anymore. Shane’s fingertips are warm against the back of his hand and the light pressure feels grounding. It’s just enough to make Ryan’s nerves react, but not as violently panicky as he is used to.

They sit like that for a moment, before Ryan decides to try something. He slowly lifts his hand a little, pushing against Shane’s fingers, before turning his hand over, palm up. Shane lifts his fingers a bit to give him space to move, but then slowly lowers them again until his palm is pressed completely against Ryan’s. It’s warm and rough but it feels nice and Ryan leans back into the couch, allowing himself to try and relax.

“How’s that?” Shane asks. Ryan merely nods a little, not quite ready to answer yet. Shane smiles, however and leans in just a little closer to whisper.

“That okay?” Ryan takes a deep breath and considers it. Then he nods and Shane’s smile broadens.

He doesn’t pull his hand away, even though Ryan’s palm starts to feel a bit too warm. Instead, Shane curls his fingers around Ryan’s hand and holds onto it and Ryan already feels like it’s almost too much again. He could combust from the way his nerves burn in his hand, how tense his arm gets and how his skin already gets covered in goosebumps again. However, at the same time, it’s not enough and Ryan wants to drop forward and bury himself against Shane’s torso and have those long noodle arms encircle him until Ryan can hide from everything in a heavy and grounding embrace. That thought feels a bit too intimate all of a sudden and he flushes, unsure what to say.

Shane has kept his attention on Ryan the entire time, tilting his head whenever Ryan shifts.

“How is this?” He presses his thumb against the side of Ryan’s forefinger. “Too much?”

Ryan shakes his head, despite his doubts.

“I just don’t know how to…” He sighs again and makes a frustrated sound in the back of his throat. “It’s just that this-” Ryan gestures to their clasped hands. “This is not something I would do with someone I don’t date. I don’t just… _hold hands_ with someone unless they’re my girlfriend. If we were in my old frat, everyone would be laughing at this and I just-”

Ryan groans and grabs at his hair again, tugging hard. Shane makes a soft noise next to him and reaches out, curls his hand around Ryan’s wrist and untangles him. The sting in Ryan’s scalp lessens.

“Hey now. We’re not at your frat, Ryan. We’re in your own home and if you want to hold someone’s hand who wants to hold yours, then that should be not laughed at or anything. Okay?”

Ryan sighs and looks down. Shane is cupping both of Ryan’s hands in his and it’s warm and surprisingly comforting. Ryan closes his eyes and concentrates on the feeling of Shane’s palms against the back of his hands and the way his hands are cradled together, fingers lacing slightly.

“Okay.” He finally says and he feels Shane squeeze his hands very slightly. “Do you really like this, too? You’re not doing this just to humor me?” Ryan can’t really look at Shane but he also doesn’t want to be rude and stare at the ground, so he screws one eye shut in fearful expectation and uses the other to look at Shane. He must look like someone wincing and bracing for impact, but Shane is smiling at him, almost laughing a bit.

“Of course. Ryan, you do know that I like you, right? I wouldn’t hang out with you as much, just because we work together and all that.” Ryan nods because of course he knows. “Well then,” Shane continues jovially. “Then you should know that I do like hugging you or holding your hands. If that’s cool. I just didn’t initiate it much because I always thought you hated hugs.”

“Oh.” Ryan says, because he doesn’t know what else to say.

His hands eventually feel too hot cupped in Shane’s, so they move again. They tentatively shift in their seats until they are sitting side by side again. Ryan is shaking a bit, because his shoulder is pressed against Shane’s, their hips are touching and so are their knees. His right hand and Shane’s left are slightly linked which causes their arms to be pressed together as well. It’s warm and a _lot_ but also amazing. He feels like he could just melt into Shane’s side and sleep for a couple of days. At the same time, he’s so high strung that he nearly catapults himself off the couch when the sleep timer of the TV turns off. They are plunged into a half dark living room, with only the low twilight that falls through the window illuminating them and Ryan suddenly realizes that he nearly snuggled up against his best friend’s side because he not only forgot how to touch people, he also forgot for how long it was appropriate.

Despite Shane’s reassurance, Ryan still feels like he has done something wrong or immoral and he suddenly has the urge to tell Shane that all of this had been a terrible mistake. But Shane is already getting up and putting a hand on Ryan’s shoulder. It’s warm and heavy and Ryan feels less like running up the walls.

“Ryan, calm down.” Ryan can hear that Shane is almost laughing, but fighting it for his sake. “Sit down. Jesus. Before you hurt yourself.” He pushes Ryan back on the couch and Ryan sits down, bouncing a little on the cushions with how hard he drops. There is a lump in his throat again and he doesn’t know how to identify it, but then Shane is crouching down in front of him, half kneeling on Ryan’s living room floor and Ryan can’t really look away.

“How are you feeling?”

Ryan opens his mouth, but his voice slips down his throat and away from him, settling heavy in his stomach. He shakes his head, bringing up a hand to wipe at his eyes. He doesn’t quite tear up, but he feels like he’s close to it.

“Oh Ryan...” Shane’s voice is quiet and Ryan shakes his head, trying to explain that it wasn’t Shane’s fault. Two palms carefully settle on his shoulders, applying just the tiniest bit of weight and it helps to ground him, helps him to breathe again.

“Sorry, was that too much?”

Ryan shakes his head a third time, finally looking at Shane.

“Not too much.” He croaks, finally finding his voice again. “Just… a lot. I guess?”

Shane nods solemnly and lets go of Ryan to brace himself on the couch table and stand up again. He winces slightly and Ryan wonders if his knees are hurting. He reaches out to put a steadying hand under Shane’s elbow and they both pause like that for a moment. Ryan drags his eyes up to meet Shane’s and his friend looks down at him. He seems apprehensive and then he drops his arm to drag his fingers firmly along Ryan’s arm until he can link their fingers.

Ryan sucks in a breath, half expecting everything to burn or itch or prickle again, but he holds onto Shane and it’s not too much, for now.

“Oh.” He says, not really able to think of something else to say. He squeezes Shane’s fingers slightly and Shane squeezes back. “That’s… that’s okay.”

Shane smiles at him.

“Okay.”

-

It’s not an issue that Ryan can fix in one day or one night. Even a week after he talked to Shane, a week of Shane offering little touches like the brush of their fingers or a hand on Ryan’s back when he lets him walk through a door first, Ryan is still struggling with himself not to jump or flinch at touches. But at the same time, he feels less hollowed out and less pained at night. His hands feel warmer, which means that Shane’s touch doesn’t burn as much. He considers it progress.

-

They still have movie nights. Popcorn is shared in big bowls and when their hands brush because both of them reach for it at the same time, Ryan doesn’t jump back and stutter anymore. Shane pulls him into a proper hug that night when they say goodbye. His arms are wrapped around Ryan’s shoulders and Ryan falls forward and holds onto Shane’s middle, his face leaning into his friend’s chest. He feels Shane’s heartbeat through his shirt and the weight of the taller man’s long arms is new, but… comfortable. Ryan doesn’t feel like this hug is smothering him, which is a huge improvement for now, but the thought still annoys him.

“You always want everything to succeed right away, Bergara.” Shane says softly as he pulls back and squeezes Ryan’s shoulder once again for good measure. “Allow yourself some time, okay?” He rolls his eyes and Ryan, despite himself, wheezes.

“Alright. I’ll try to keep that in mind, big guy.”

-

Hugging Shane becomes easier. It’s comfortable. Shane is so tall that he can put his chin on Ryan’s head while they hug and Ryan can wrap his arms perfectly around Shane’s torso. He’s surprisingly firm for all the jokes about him being floppy and weird. Ryan realizes that he can lean into Shane’s chest without much trouble and his friend will hold him up. It’s comfortable, so comfortable that Ryan feels himself struggle to let go again. Part of him still fears that each contact could be the last time, but the next morning, Shane greets him at work with a hand on his shoulder and a slight squeeze before he settles down at the desk next to Ryan.

Eventually, Ryan stops worrying that it could be over soon.

-

They’re on location and the Ovilus calls out Ryan’s name with a detached, scratching voice and Ryan nearly chokes on his scream. He scrambles away from the thing and dimly notices that Shane calls out his name and something that sounds like “hey, it’s okay, calm down!”

And then Shane’s fingers wrap around his wrist and pull and Ryan falls against Shane’s side, an arm wrapped around his back, holding him up.

“It’s okay man. I’m here, okay? Nothing here will hurt you.”

Ryan takes a deep breath. He counts to seven and breathes out slowly. His hand comes up to curl into Shane’s shirt as he leans against his friend, ignoring the cameras for now.

“Jesus Christ.” He whispers, mostly to himself, but he hears Shane’s answering chuckle and feels the vibrations in his chest. Ryan closes his eyes and allows his forehead to rest on Shane’s shoulder. It’s so late already and his body is exhausted. He guesses that Shane probably feels the same, but his friend is standing firm, holding up Ryan against him.

And for the first time in a while, it’s 3am and Ryan is awake, but not thinking. He slumps against Shane, holding onto him and allows himself to feel.

It feels… good.

The spot in his chest isn’t quite as hollow anymore. It’s warm and steady, just like Shane against his side.


End file.
